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Russell confesses he hasn't dated since 1989 and Jess replies, "That was the year I learned to use the toaster by myself." Not so hot.DO be lovey dovey, but DON' T nickname him something based on his age (Fancypants is cool, though).He knows what he wants and he won't waste your time if you're not it. He won't have a nervous breakdown about meeting your parents. Added bonus: He'll probably get along with your parents better because he's a little (tiny! Not that he's old, but he'll rock out to Hendrix with your dad in the man cave and not feel too weird about it.8. Practice makes orgasms, or however that saying goes.9.You didn't want to be with that guy who wanted an "outdoorsy girl" anyway. And he knows that vulvas don't usually look like two unused Pink Pearl erasers and smell like Bath and Body Works vanilla bean. Either way, older guys are more likely to be the most comfortable snuggle you've ever had.12. Have you ever seen an early-twentysomething guy get handed a baby?Having seen more than two vulvas, he knows each is a beautiful and unique orchid and he won't hesitate to compliment yours.10. He holds it out from his body like he has stiff little Tyrannosaurus arms and the baby hangs there like, "Who the fuck handed me to this beer-breathed sociopath in cargo shorts?

Well, my dears, you've come to the right place. Or, in Jess's (Zooey Deschanel's character, for those of you who aren't fans yet) case, don't ask about his health: "How's your prostate? Cece even tells Jess as she's first considering dating Russell (the one and only Fancypants) that "he intimidates you because you wouldn't have to take care of him, he'd take care of you."DON' T make your man feel older than he actually is (or date yourself).

Some guys just come to this realization sooner than others *cough**cough*.5. Thanks to the patriarchy, women learn to master blow jobs early in their sexual lives (sometimes before they even lose their virginity) but guys typically don't figure out that women want their vulvas licked until their mid-20s.

Oooh, yeah, work that upholstery attachment that you read about in the Miele manual.4. Every guy comes to the realization that being jealous of your guy friends just makes him look sad and lame.

And I've added a couple of my own tips for good measure, since I am the younger woman and all.

But I've been watching and compiled a list of DOs and DON' Ts from Jess's experience dating the sophisticated Dermot Mulroney as Fancypants, who's a whopping twelve years older.